The Isolation Gap: Understanding and Addressing Male Loneliness

When Courtney White, head of HR at BASF, was growing up, he never saw his father cry. “He was the type of person who just kept going, what I would call ‘the model of strength,’” White said during a From Day One webinar on understanding and addressing male loneliness. But later in life, White had a conversation with his father that rocked his worldview.“He said, ‘I don’t want you to carry it all like I did. I want you to live differently.’ And when he said it, it kind of cracked open something in me.” White started discussing his feelings more openly, with his brother and his lifelong friends, and they started prioritizing their time spent together. “We made a decision: no more waiting, no more pretending. While the world tells men to be strong for everyone else, real strength is also knowing when to be honest with yourself, and we’ve stayed true to that since then.” As men move from the built-in social structures of youth and into adulthood, many experience a growing sense of isolation. White and a panel of experts explored the causes of the modern challenge of male loneliness and shared strategies for how men can intentionally foster friendships and community bonds across life stages. They also explored how allies, employers, and organizations can cultivate environments that encourage authentic male connection and well-being.How Loneliness Became an Epidemic In 2024, the U.S. Surgeon General declared a national loneliness and social isolation epidemic, citing that nearly 50% of Americans are feeling the effects. In our post-pandemic society dominated by an individualistic, work-from-home culture, this has a particular impact on men, who often relied on their workplace to fill their social needs. For many people, these relationships, which White calls “situational friendships,” have evaporated.A Gallup poll found that one in four U.S. men under age 35 report feeling lonely. Jay Swedlaw, LMHC, LPC, LPCC, LCMHC, and therapist at Talkspace, says this is due in part to societal norms that encourage men to tamp down their feelings. It’s also a result of our increasingly hectic personal and professional lives. “How much free time do most people have these days? How many times we find ourselves saying, ‘Oh, I have absolutely nothing to do, nothing at all. I guess I’ll hit up some friends,’” Swedlaw said. The answer: not much anymore.Panelists spoke about "The Isolation Gap: Understanding and Addressing Male Loneliness" during the webinar (photo by From Day One)Ironically, the latest innovations in communication technology may be isolating us further rather than bringing us closer together. “This especially became amplified during the pandemic, because then we were all forced to essentially have our only communication with anyone be virtual. And we got used to it,” Swedlaw said. “We’re more connected than ever,” White said, noting that cell phones and social media allow us to be in touch with everyone we know and love at all times. “But somehow, we’re still more alone. It feels like we’ve somehow replaced proximity with productivity, and it’s starting to cost us connection even more.” Especially among older generations of men, showing emotion or vulnerability can be seen as “weakness.” “But I’m human. I have feelings. That doesn’t make me a weak person; that makes you stronger–getting those things out and talked about on the table,” said Gary Levingston, chairman & CEO at Gary Levingston Productions. Baby Boomers can become vulnerable to loneliness if they cling to the notion of shoving it all down, says Levingston. “As we get older, our circles get smaller because people are passing away who we once depended on, who we could go to [with our feelings]. Thinking, ‘I can do it alone,’ that’s the last thing in the world that you want to do,” he said. Combatting Loneliness in the WorkplaceThe loneliness epidemic can impact workplaces and larger social groups. “It reverberates in organizations. And it’s not good for people’s health,” said moderator Stephen Koepp, co-founder and editor in chief at From Day One. “It involves all of us,” he said. We don’t need to be together every hour of every day, Swedlaw says, but loneliness can become a chronic problem impacting health and productivity when it stretches on for weeks or months. “That’s when loneliness causes us to isolate and withdraw. We just sort of shut down and have issues with self-worth,” Swedlaw said. That negative thought spiral can dangerously erode our mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, addiction, heart disease, and even early death. It can be challenging to identify loneliness in a corporate environment. “We think we know that loneliness looks a certain way, like sadness,” said White. “The reality is, it can look different. In the workplace, it can look like over-functioning, or it can look like silence.” When men go quiet in the workplace, it’s not always a sign of peace, he says: “It’s pain.” Culturally and socially, Levingston says, we need to “level the playing field” for men when it comes to expressing emotions. The earlier we can do this with boys, the better. “Storytelling in that regard is a powerful thing,” he said. Creating community “can bring people together with not just a structure, but a purpose,” Koepp added.Levingston encourages men “to be a light for others.” When men are open with each other, it can inspire the rest of the group to do the same. White notes that the rhythm and ritual of community organizations can create a sense of safety where men can build trust, feel vulnerable, and foster a sense of belonging. Helping Yourself, and Helping Others Workplaces can build this sense of psychological safety through ERGs and other community groups. And leaders should be mindful of setting an example for others. They can set the tone by prioritizing their relationships, and practicing work-life balance, and even occasionally sharing their feelings. While relationships are meaningful, not all are created equal. Swedlaw advises men to treat their relationships like an investment. “We should be able to quickly and easily say, ‘I am getting a return on that investment.’ I feel that I’m investing ABC and I’m getting XYZ in return, then that’s a pretty even exchange. I know this person cares about me, and I know that this person enriches my life in this way,” Swedlaw said. Because your time is precious, you should only spend it on relationships that are beneficial to you.  But we can’t rely solely only on our relationships with others to lift us out of loneliness. A rich, balanced life should be grounded in self-care. “At the end of the day, no one’s going to look out for us the way that we’re going to look out for us,” Swedlaw said. “And if we want to be the best version of ourselves for friends and other people in our lives, we’ve got to make sure that we’re taking care of ourselves.” Editor's note: From Day One thanks our partner, Talkspace, for sponsoring this webinar. Katie Chambers is a freelance writer and award-winning communications executive with a lifelong commitment to supporting artists and advocating for inclusion. Her work has been seen in HuffPost, Top Think, and several printed essay collections, and she has appeared on Cheddar News, iWomanTV, On New Jersey, and CBS New York.(Photo by Jacob Wackerhausen/iStock)