The workplace can be a breeding ground for conflict, whether it be a clash of personalities or mismatched expectations around the job. Hector Hernandez, leadership development facilitator at ThinkHuman, is no stranger to feeling dissatisfied with a colleague’s behavior.

At From Day One’s December virtual conference, “The Arc of Change for People and Culture in 2024,” he shared a time where he experienced a breakdown in communication.

He recalled sending a colleague a “very detailed” contract of how they would work together. They agreed upon the terms, but, “lo and behold, two days later,” the person did not follow through, he said.

So, he began to prepare to give the colleague constructive feedback. “I was writing down all of my facts,” he said. “I was pulling all of my strategies from how to win these conversations and everything they had done wrong.”

But, then, he paused to evaluate the situation.

“I said, ‘Hector, what if you’re wrong? What if you are misunderstanding the entire situation? What if you have done or not done something that has led to this breakdown? What don’t you know?’”

So, he went back to the root of the conflict, the email he had sent, which had terms of agreement that were seemingly reneged upon. It was there, sure enough, in his inbox. But, Hernandez had never pressed send.

“We still had the meeting. But, the tone of the conversation was completely different,” Hernandez said. “It was no longer me with my facts and how I want to win this conversation.”

Addressing conflict in the workplace can be difficult, Hernandez says. But, a recognition that people may have blind spots in their knowledge about a conflict, as with the email incident, reframes these conversations as inclusive rather than as battles that produce winners or losers. The goal should be to work together to trace how a problem began and resolve it.

An orientation toward inclusivity begins with inviting and welcoming the experiences of others in a dialogue to move beyond the individual, “a marriage of us and them to create ‘We’” Hernandez said. These difficult, but courageous conversations require a degree of introspection.

What are the opinions you’re bringing to a conversation versus the actual facts? What are your biases and assumptions? What do you truly want to achieve from a conversation? To follow these lines of inquiry, Hernandez shared existing theories around active listening that lead to productive dialogue. There are three levels of listening.

“Level one is your default state,” he said. “Listening takes a lot of energy. Your brain conserves it by not actually listening. So, how many times have you been on a call and there’s someone talking and you’re there, but you’re not really there. This is called listening to speak.”

Listening to speak is essentially waiting for your turn in a conversation, he continued. It’s not inherently bad or good, but is not conducive in building understanding about a conflict.

Level two is listening to hear. “You could regurgitate what was said to you,” he said.

But, level three, listening to understand, is where the magic happens, he said.

“You try to recall what you know about the person and their experiences, what is not being said through what is being said,” Hernandez said.

People often ask one another how they’re doing at the beginning of calls. The customary reply tends to be in the affirmative (e.g. that they are doing fine, well, or all right). “Did they say they’re all right? Did their voice go up, go down? Did they lean back? What are they actually saying?” Hernandez asked.

Active listening can promote empathy and resolve conflicts, still even with these practices, the path forward may include additional dialogue or even escalation. “The important thing is you’re doing it together. You’re doing it transparently,” Hernandez said. “It’s still a win-win for everyone.”

Editor’s note: From Day One thanks our partner, ThinkHuman, for sponsoring this thought leadership spotlight.

Uwa Ede-Osifo is a writer, journalist, and producer based in Brooklyn, NY. She recently concluded a reporting fellowship at NBC News where she covered national news including youth culture, race, and inequality.